Diary Entry: The Struggle for Resilience
Dear Jesus,
Today, like every morning, waking up was a task in itself. It’s a struggle, a conscious effort to keep moving forward. The hurt I’ve experienced seems to have etched itself deep within me, and recovery feels like a distant dream.
I ventured into the family box recently, hoping for healing, but the outcome was far from what I had hoped for. Each morning, I wake up with this ache, this sense of rejection that seems immune to prayers or positive thoughts. It’s so hard, Jesus, to continually strive to be kind, to stay sober, to remain accountable to myself. It’s as if my fears were confirmed — that I am not seen as valuable by others as I am in Your eyes.
This pain, I’ve internalized it, and it’s eating away at me. I think of Robin Williams and his battle, and I desperately want to be stronger than that. Each day is a testament to my strength, a reminder that I am better now than I was a year ago. But the question remains — how do I let go of this pain, this deep-seated hurt?
Amidst these reflections, I think of what I can do for others. With Christmas approaching, I’m caught in the mundane — hoping for a PS5, wishing for a new job. Something different, something that challenges me more than the frustrating debates over the lies our government dishes out. Their irresponsibility infuriates me, and the feeling of helplessness in the face of their self-interest is overwhelming.
When will this end? I muster every ounce of energy I have to stay motivated. My focus on making money is strong, yet my heart yearns to make a difference. Is a new job the answer? Will it bring the change I seek, or is it just another step in this seemingly endless journey?
Jesus, I love You, and I’m eternally grateful for Your love. In these moments of doubt and pain, Your love is my anchor. I just hope I can find a way to channel this pain into something meaningful, to find a path that not only brings me joy but allows me to contribute positively to the world around me.
Love,
Jamie 🙏💔✨
