Letter to Jesus

Hi Jesus,

Here I am, one year later. I’ve gone through surgery to remove my breasts. Can you believe it? It was terrifying. And now, sitting here, minus a part of me — no pun intended — I’m kind of in shock that I actually went through with it.

This past year… wow, it was a rollercoaster. I’ve been wrestling with my emotions, trying to piece myself back together. Sometimes I wonder why we tend to downplay our losses. They’re tough, Jesus. They really suck.

I know I promised to write to you every day. But I didn’t. I guess my human nature kicked in, and there were days when I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Sometimes I wonder, am I being punished for not keeping up the spirit? For not being perpetually cheerful?

Today, I was reflecting on how instead of rebuilding my ‘bag bag’, I’m just adding more to it. My heart hurts, and it’s pushing me to work even harder, to “show” them. I’m not even sure who ‘them’ is. It sounds petty, I know, but it’s how I feel.

Life feels like a strange limbo. I keep pushing forward, though. I’ve decided to start writing again. There’s this strong pull in me to just do my own thing. To start exploring, researching, figuring stuff out on my own.

A friend of mine said, “It’s hard to keep going when the ones you want around are unavailable.” It’s true. Sure, it’s great to feel loved by others, but why can’t we have it all? Sometimes, on this journey of self-discovery, I find myself lost in doubt. But I guess that’s part of the process.

Despite it all, I remain thankful. I’m grateful to you, Jesus, for being there, even when I’m not sure of much else. I’ll keep going, keep striving, and see where this path takes me.

Thanks for listening,

Jamie